Category Archives: Aviation Humor

Gosh, It’s Really Burning!

In late 1963, after a hiring hiatus of nearly seven years, all the major airlines in this country began hiring programs which would in some cases nearly double the size of their pilot seniority lists.  TWA was among them.  Because the airlines owner, Howard Hughes, had a long relationship with Hollywood, TWA was considered “The Airline of the Stars” and TWA aircraft were constantly seen in movies, along with those of the equally legendary Pan American. Because of its extensive domestic and international route system, it was considered by many pilots as the go to choice when applying for a job.

With the coming of the jet age, the FAA mandated that every jet had to have three qualified pilots in the cockpit.  Since many of the major airlines had large four engine aircraft as part of, or even the major portion of, their fleets, and these airplanes required a non-pilot “Flight Engineer” as part of the cockpit crew, the position of “Second Officer” was created. 

These FAA required third pilots basically had no function to perform on most flights. Sometimes they would keep the flight log, noting the times checkpoints were crossed, and copying down air traffic control clearances and radio frequencies, but these functions were traditionally the job of the pilot who wasn’t at the controls for that leg.  We laughingly called them “Designated Eaters”, since mainly they just sat there and observed the other crew members perform their duties, and consumed a meal when crew meals were served.

To get around the FAA mandate, the airlines began hiring pilots and training them as flight engineers.  These “Pilot/Flight Engineers” would hold both pilot and flight engineer certificates, but were prohibited from flying the aircraft unless an extreme emergency existed.  So, whether you were assigned to initial training as a First Officer, Second Officer or “Pilot-Flight Engineer” was strictly up to what the airline needed on any given week.  It was just “Luck of the Draw”.  As pilots, who loved to fly airplanes, it was shocking and demoralizing to have been randomly selected for a P-F/E  initial class.

Another problem was that those assigned as Pilot-Flight Engineer were given both a pilot seniority number and a flight engineer seniority number.  That was ominous, because although it was generally accepted that once all the professional flight engineers received the company paid training to obtain their FAA required Commercial Pilot license with an Instrument Rating, the newly hired P-F/Es would be allowed to move up to First Officer, and eventually Captain,  there was no contractual guarantee that would happen.  We could be stuck in the Flight Engineer position forever, which was totally unacceptable. Continue reading Gosh, It’s Really Burning!

The Flight Before Christmas, Ver. 2.0

‘Twas the flight before Christmas

Twas the flight before Christmas, and in the night sky,
The stars twinkled brightly on Bill, Fred and I

The engines had revved and the gear soon came up,
and we all looked forward for our crew meal to sup

And as we climbed higher, a knock at the door “Some coffee guys?” came, through the darkness and more

A whiff of her perfume made all of us blink,
She sure is a looker.  Single, you think?

As we pondered that thought, through our headsets we heard
“NORAD is calling, to all of you birds”

Up there in the night sky, you’ll soon have a guest
So be alert fellows, he’s leaving his nest

A slow climber at first, cause he’s got quite a load. Took off at max gross again, wouldn’t you know?

Though not all believe in him, he doesn’t care
They’re plenty that know he is up in the air

Bringing presents to children all over the earth
Who cherish this night of our Dear Savior’s birth

So hang in there Santa, on this cold winter’s night.
Merry Christmas to all, and have a safe flight!

BLM “Militia”?

It’s official.  The lunatics are now in charge of the asylum.   Mayors and city councils in various Democrat controlled cities around the country are now proposing to defund and/or disband their police departments.  Civil order would now be maintained by some amorphous, non-threatening organization.  Perhaps “Black Lives Matter” or the Southern Poverty Law Center would be tasked with setting up “Militias” to keep the peace.  I’m sure they would do a far better job than the racist organizations currently in control.

The inner cities already have core groups in place, ready to take command and control. Remember the “New Black Panthers” standing guard outside Philadelphia voting precincts during the 2008 elections?  The ones that Eric Holder, Obama’s “Wingman” Attorney General refused to prosecute for voter intimidation?  They’re the perfect model for the new, non-racist militia.

Perhaps a “Black Panther Youth” organization could be formed with the sole task of seeing that ballots are collected from peoples homes, so they wouldn’t have to go through the unpleasant  process of going to polling places to vote.  Demeaning identification would not be required, of course.   A verbal affirmation that the individual is a legal citizen and resident of the state would be deemed sufficient, and in any language they are comfortable with.  These young people would be armed of course, to protect the sanctity of the ballots. Continue reading BLM “Militia”?

A “Golden” Story.

One day as I boarded my flight from New York to Madrid, I found a group of passengers pre-boarding the aircraft.  They all had a beautiful Golden Retriever on a leash. We had blocked all the seats in the first row of coach, which had extra legroom since there were no seats in front of them, just the dividing bulkhead.  That way, the dogs would have a place to lie down in comfort for the seven hour flight.

The Goldens were all trained as seeing eye dogs, and spoken to only in Castilian Spanish, so they could serve their new masters in the Madrid area of Spain. The flight went without incident, the dogs sleeping most of the way. When they deplaned, I said “Adios” to each of them at the front door, and was delighted to see that they all immediately wagged their tails in response!

Our Golden, “Charlie” was a loved member of our family for 14 years. I miss him to this day. Watch this video of a Golden protecting the last puppy of her litter and you will see why.

Drinking & Flying

There are airline pilots who are alcoholics. That’s a simple fact. However, they are an extremely small portion of that group, due to the severe penalties which are imposed for the infraction of even attempting to pilot an airliner under the influence of alcohol, or any other drug for that matter. These days, crews are given un-announced drug or alcohol tests before or after flights on a regular basis. Since I have been out of the cockpit for nearly 14 years, I can only realistically comment about the timeframe prior to that. Please understand that there always is humor in all phases of life, including this serious issue.

TWA, the airline I flew for for the better part of 36 years, had a very strict policy about alcohol consumption. Basically, it said it’s pilots could not consume alcoholic beverages 24 hours before flight time, and NEVER on a layover. Since on international flights there were many layovers of 36 hours, or even much longer, up to a full week, that policy was routinely disregarded.

Most of us followed a self imposed routine of a minimum of 12 hours, “bottle to throttle”, which was more restrictive than the FAA’s 8 hour rule. In any event, a beer or two prior to dinner with perhaps a glass of wine with dinner was the practice for those of us who imbibed at all. The comedy associated with the rule can be illustrated with the following two examples.

In the ‘60s and ‘70s, many TWA crews signed for their meals at specifically listed restaurants located in various European layover cities. Since in those days orange juice was frequently more expensive per liter than table wine, the crews would order a carafe of wine to drink with dinner, and the restaurant would list it as orange juice on the bill they sent to the company. One day I came to work and found a letter in my crew mailbox. Everyone got one. It was from the Chief Pilot, and said: “While I am pleased that the international crews are maintaining their health by keeping a high level of Vitamin C in their diets, would you all please try to curtail your consumption of orange juice at the layover restaurants?”

Another time, I was in the pub next to our layover hotel in London. We had many crews staying there on layovers, and that pub was the favored “watering hole” for a pint or two before dinner. Suddenly, there was a great scraping of chairs as they were pushed back from tables around the room. I looked up to see the International Chief Pilot, and the Vice President for International Operations standing in the doorway surveying the scene. After a brief silence, the VP said: “Alright you bastards, the next round is on me!” Everyone then proceeded to pull back up to the tables, pick up their pints, and conversation returned to normal. The rule was unreasonable, and even the “Bosses” knew it. 

My Pilot’s Christmas Poem.

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘Twas the flight before Christmas

Twas the flight before Christmas, and in the night sky,
The stars twinkled brightly on Bill, Fred and I

The engines had revved and the gear soon came up,
and we all looked forward for our crew meal to sup

And as we climbed higher, a knock at the door “Some coffee guys?” came, through the darkness and more

A whiff of her perfume made all of us blink,
She sure is a looker.  Single, you think?

As we pondered that thought, through our headsets we heard
“NORAD is calling, to all of you birds”

Up there in the night sky, you’ll soon have a guest
So be alert fellows, he’s leaving his nest

A slow climber at first, cause he’s got quite a load. Took off at max gross again, wouldn’t you know?

Though not all believe in him, he doesn’t care
They’re plenty that know he is up in the air

Bringing presents to children all over the earth
Who cherish this night of our Dear Savior’s birth

So hang in there Santa, on this cold winter’s night.
Merry Christmas to all, and have a safe flight!

 

Lower your standards?

rtr3z3p91414524970An old joke about Marine Aviators goes: Question? “What do you do if the girls in the bar at closing time don’t live up to your standards?”  Answer “Lower your standards!”

It appears that this advice now applies to the hiring of law enforcement officers.  The Obama DOJ has just demanded that the countries 18,000 law enforcement agencies change their screening procedures when hiring new officers.  The suggestion is that criminal records and drug use not be disqualifying for minority applicants, particularly African-Americans.  They also state that standards for the written tests should be lowered for this group because they have “been shown to have an adverse impact on racial minority candidates.”

Is this part of the “Post Racial Society” that Obama promised when he was running for election in 2008?  This suggestion from Loretta Lynch and company should be considered insulting to the very individuals  which she seeks to elevate.  Is she inferring that there are so few residents of minority communities without criminal or drug use backgrounds that such things must be ignored?  Can any other conclusion be considered?  Rather than looking to racially divisive white groups when ranting against discrimination, I would suggest Ms. Lynch simply look in the mirror to find the culprit.  She should be ashamed of herself, and the African-American community should hold her to account.